Better.

When we first dreamt up this adventure, we wanted to weave into it a focus on mindfulness meditation. If you’ve ever devoted any amount of time to meditation, you know how hard it is. BTW, if you’re one of those natural contemplative types who finds meditation as natural as breathing, keep your pie hole shut. For this guy, it’s still quite difficult and often frustrating. To quiet your mind and to allow yourself to become present fully in that moment can be utterly exhausting, discouraging, and even scary (who knows what kind of crazy stuff might emerge from the deep, dark shadows of our consciousness?).

So far in our travels, I’ve managed to get quite a bit of time to sit. Much of that time has been spent behind the wheel. Pro tip: get your kids DVD players, headphones, and enough movies to open their own Blockbuster. And remember, when one movie ends and they ask if they can watch another, the answer is always YES! While their minds might turn to mush, this is preferable to hearing them fight in the backseat and having to threaten to “pull this car over!” Because let’s be honest, I’m not really going to pull over. Does anyone actually follow through on that threat?

I recall our first few days of travel, my mind still occupied with typical concerns: job responsibilities, finances, house projects (never ending), and all the other mind-clutter we tend to hold onto as a chorus, or cacophony in my case, of concerns vying for our attention.

It wasn’t until our second week of travel that my mind began to clear, and I was truly able to focus on a single moment without be dragged backward by a familiar concern. For the last two weeks I’ve managed to do pretty well at staying in the moment. I’m human, so it’s not been perfect, but I have noticed a significant uptick in the amount of time I have remained fully present. At times I’ve even caught myself realizing how little attention I have given to my typical concerns, inevitably inspiring a moment of panic at the thought of loosening the firm grasp I had on them.

But who was grasping who? (Alyssa is that who or whom? Only Language Arts teachers know this stuff). Was I really in control of these things as much as they were in control of me? How often do we fixate on our “responsibilities” for fear that if we release them, even for just a moment, we might lose control altogether? Are your fixations about finances? Health? Your children? Your career? All of the above? Welcome to the club!

How much do I miss out on when I’m busy fixating on those things? How many happy moments have been squelched by the worries and fears that smother my ability to simply enjoy that moment? And in the end, does it make me happier to indulge in my fixations? Has my quality of life improved at all? Nope.

Today my mind began returning to its old fixations. After a few moments of inner-wrestling, I was able to gently set them aside and enjoy a moment laying in the sun, listening to, and even enjoying, the sound of the kids playing in the camper, the smell of sage brush, and the taste of my favorite sparkling water, without again being interrupted by stressful thoughts.

But it’s easier right now. I’m away from home. The trick will be to keep this up once we return home and I am face to face with the objects of my fixations. Will I then have the mental fortitude to set them aside from time to time? Will I be able to fully enjoy a moment without being snagged by the lure of old, established neuro-pathways?

Time will tell. But I am grateful for this time, the lessons learned, and the hope that I can be better at this whole mindfulness thing than I was.

Better. Not perfect. Never perfect. Just better.